[Back-Dated, Open] Titus A-muddled, or Natural Brother

[77th_emo_earl]

He may have a natural brother...

For a long time, Titus often dreamed of having a brother, dreamed of having an older brother to bear the title and the crown and the inheritance, but not like this, not in this place, not in this place, where titles and bloodlines barely mean anything. In their world, if he had known this sooner, he would gave handed over his crown gladly. Now more than ever, the words that the Steerpike he had known had snarled with his last breath haunt Titus: "You were lucky..."

But now that his suspicions have been all but confirmed, he is not sure what to think nor what to feel, much less what to make of the situation, and these thoughts leave him restless on his bed. His discreet encounter with Robin kept his mind off these things -- it was easy to forget with Robin's mouth working it's magic on his inexperienced flesh -- but now that he is alone, his mind returns to the notions that left him troubled.

His worst enemy and he may share the same blood, the same father, though clearly not the same mother. If this was Gormenghast, his enemy might be the rightful heir, and he, Titus, might be the usurper.

These ideas crawl through his mind like creepers, pushing aside all other thoughts like the roots breaking apart the stones they climb upon. No longer able to sleep, he pushes back the covers, letting them slide to the floor, before rising and pulling on his trousers and a dressing gown, shoving his feet into his shoes. He heads down to the kitchen, in search of some warm milk and a biscuit -- a childish way to settle one's whirling thoughts, but it seems as good as any at this point. Though he might also be hiding from himself the fact that he's hoping to find someone to talk to and to help him make sense of everything that is whirling in his head right now.

Backdated to a day or two after he made some unsettling discoveries. Looking specifically for Helen (M2), but he's open to other people offering an open ear and a concerned heart.

Comments

[77th-earl.livejournal.com]

"I doubt that he knew for certain: my father never recognized him as his son, but we look similar enough that the family resemblance is obvious," he says, shrugging his hands. "It is more obvious now, when he and I are the same age, it would seem."

[umpteenthdream.livejournal.com]

"And how old are the both of you, Titus?" Helen has dropped the title - she feels a bit like an aunt, she can't help it.

[77th-earl.livejournal.com]

He thinks for a moment. "I'm just past my eighteenth birthday: I arrived here just about the time that it would have been celebrated," he says. "He doesn't look to be much older than that, though I suppose that looks can deceive."

[umpteenthdream.livejournal.com]

"Yes, I suppose they can," Helen replies, suddenly thoughtful.

And she's not thinking about anything Gormenghast, we can assure you.

[77th-earl.livejournal.com]

"It wouldn't be the first time that he deceived the people around him: he hid his cruelty in plain sight, and no one in the castle noticed it," he says. He pauses, noticing that change in her demeanor. "Have you known that kind of deception?"

[umpteenthdream.livejournal.com]

"No," Helen replies... "I don't suppose I did...." She does seem, however, still a bit lost in thought.

[77th-earl.livejournal.com]

He tilts his head, puzzled at her reaction. "Are you all right? You seem perturbed of a sudden."

[umpteenthdream.livejournal.com]

"I'm alright," Helen replies, "only thoughtful, is all. Go on?"

She's thinking of her 11-12, who was once so very perturbed, but also of all those who had hidden depths in the real world and visible issues in the Village.

[77th-earl.livejournal.com]

"There is little more to say: I despise the man, and yet there is a part of me that would embrace him as a brother, if it were not for these dark feelings which cloud my thoughts toward him," he says. "I feel as though I should make choice from these feelings, but I cannot seem to separate them."

[umpteenthdream.livejournal.com]

"It may be too early," Helen says thoughtfully. "Complex emotions need to be decanted - don't pressure yourself. Let it seep, and see how you feel about it in some time."

[77th-earl.livejournal.com]

He manages a small, wry smirk. "My youthful impetus seems to be getting the better of my patience," he says, almost sounding older than his years when says this.

[umpteenthdream.livejournal.com]

"And that is an endearing trait, though it seems to make you suffer," Helen replies. "Come now - should we try to take our minds off him - at least so that you can sleep for the night..."

[77th-earl.livejournal.com]

He glances to the pot of milk on the stove, then scutters to take it off and pour it into a mug. "I nearly forgot what I came down here," he says, hunting in a cupboard for a package of biscuits.

[umpteenthdream.livejournal.com]

... "So did I," Helen replies. Her water is almost boiled down to nothing, and so she turns the stove off, and sighs, shaking her head.

[77th-earl.livejournal.com]

Finding a package of chocolate biscuits, he unwraps the waxed paper wrapper, then pauses and holds them out to her. "Would you care for one? There are plenty for the both of us, and I could pour you more water. It is the least that I could do for having talked so much."

[umpteenthdream.livejournal.com]

Helen accepts the biscuit. "You're such a sweet boy, Titus," she says fondly. "Thank you very much - I appreciate it."

The night is wearing on, and she is starting to feel the pull of sleep.

[77th-earl.livejournal.com]

"You've been kind to me, and I wanted to return that kindness," he says, smiling that fey, gentle smile of his.

[umpteenthdream.livejournal.com]

Helen smiles back sweetly - she can't think without feeling sad that this sweet boy actually killed someone. It doubtless fractured his soul...

"That is well done of you," she replies fondly. "You would make any mother proud to have you, Titus."

[77th-earl.livejournal.com]

He emits a dry cough of a laugh and looks away for a moment. "I wonder if my mother would agree with you, though I think in the end, she felt a kind of pride in me. I don't think that she would have given me leave to step out into the world and see it for myself if she had not begun to feel that way."

[umpteenthdream.livejournal.com]

"Certainly," Helen replies. "Sons often underestimate how much their mothers love them and trust them..."

She's thinking of 11-12, of course.

[77th-earl.livejournal.com]

"It was rather hard to tell how my mother felt for me: she kept me at a distance for much of my life," he says, testing the handle of his mug to see if it has cooled. "But I shan't delve too far into that matter, as it is growing late."

[umpteenthdream.livejournal.com]

"Do you feel ready to rest, now?" Helen's voice is gentle, patient.

[77th-earl.livejournal.com]

He takes a sip from the mug, finding it's cooled a bit. "I am on the borders of feeling tired, but the warm milk should help me to cross them," he says.

[umpteenthdream.livejournal.com]

"Good," Helen replies. "I'm happy to know that you feel better."

FTB on yours?

[77th-earl.livejournal.com]

"I feel more at ease, though I doubt that this confused feelings shall pass away till they have run their course or I find some way to resolve this matter with my brother," he says, taking up the mug and two of the biscuits. "But I think that I should take counsel with my pillows and let myself dream of something more pleasant. You helped me to settle my feelings, I thank you for that, Helen." He's more at ease as he gets up and goes to his room.

Once he's alone, he finishes the milk and the biscuits, then curls up under his covers. Childlike means of comfort and he has had to bear such adult thoughts and concerns. But at least in dreams, he can be at peace and think of more pleasant things...